A couple days ago I showed up to class. I mean really showed up. Not that I wasn’t before, but this time I showed up in a new way. For the past few days I had been deeply wrestling with some core lies of anxiety and shame and had been struggling to find the truth to cling on to, and I finally came to the realization that I needed help. I needed help because I couldn’t fight alone.
I don’t like that. I don’t like needing help. Asking for help feels weak, weaker than struggling in a losing battle. It’s the part of me that fears that if I let my guard down enough to let someone in to fight with me, they might stab me in the back and then I’m even worse off than before. Or maybe not even stab me in the back, just them not showing up when I’ve let my guard down now exposes me to my enemy even more, but without a shield or a partner. It’s scary. But if I’ve learned anything over the past two and a half months here at CGA, it’s that I, Christy, need to let down my guard more and trust. Keeping up my guard not only stifles my growth and relationship with others, it also inhibits my intimacy with the Lord.
So, I let them in. I shared the battle I was fighting with my classmates, giving them access to fight with me, and they responded with truth, speaking life over me. It was incredible and life-giving. In effect, they helped me sharpen my sword. You see, I had lost perspective. For months we had been learning about what it means to be a child of God, committed to growth, supporting the body of Christ, and focused on sharing the love of God to the world in every aspect of our lives. The cool thing is that it was working, I was noticing change. My perspectives and goals were shifting, and I was seeing the consequential changes in my life. Little by little the gigantic gears were starting to turn a couple notches.
Even though I was aware, it still felt like I was being blind-sided. I am not going to go into detail here because it is still very personal to me, but it wasn’t really blind-sided after all. I was intentionally pursuing growth and when a hard topic came up, I pursued it to the inner wounding because I want change and I want to be free. Free people free people, and I want that. But it hit me harder than I expected, and I ended up needing help.
Christy from a couple years ago would have viewed that as a set-back, but I am choosing to view it as an opportunity, a victory even. Paraphrasing from a book I read recently, The goal is not perfection, the goal is courage. I was courageous, I was brave, and I trusted the Lord to lead me to scary things and then lead me through them to the other side stronger, braver, and freer. Optimistic about bringing that freedom and healing to others by the dynamic power of Jesus Christ.
I am reminded of one of the things I was told when I asked for help in class that day. It sounds counterintuitive, but I believe it to be true. “Protect your strengths.” Our strengths are the tools that the Lord has given us to fight, both for ourselves and for others. They are the individual and unique ways that the Lord has equipped humans to fight for the Kingdom of God, to bring life to a broken world. Rather than attacking us for our weaknesses, the enemy of our souls attacks where we have the potential to be strong.
For example, I deeply desire community, freedom, impactful change, and vibrant, wholesome life for myself and those around me. I have been given the powerful gifts of boldness, invitation, tenacity, and the ability to create clarity. When I am operating in security of the Lord and backed by godly individuals, the combination of my gifts and the ideals that I am willing to fight for have incredible potential. However, when my boldness is corrupted by the fear that I am “too much”, when my invitation is marred by fear of rejection, when my tenacity is thwarted by fear of failure, and when my desire to create clarity is shut down for fear of stifling others, I feel like I am at a loss and will spin in circles of frustration, desiring my ideals, but hamstrung on how to achieve them.
It is not pride to identify the motivations and gifts that the Lord has given you, in fact it can be humility. It is not pride but an attack of the enemy to blind you from the very weapons the Lord has placed in your hands to fight with. The Lord has given you good gifts. The question is, will you sharpen your sword, or will you deny it? Will you fight to bring the Kingdom of God* to your circle of influence, or will you turn against yourself and those around you, motivated by the attacks against your very own gifts? Will you pursue the areas of influence that the Lord has given you, or will you swing your sword blindly from a lack of direction? What do you want? Where are you going? And how are you going to get there? I believe the Lord will answers these questions if you give Him a chance and show up with the courage to hear the truth. Because honestly, discovering our strengths can be a lot scarier than discovering our weaknesses. After all, that’s where the enemy wants to knock us down and steal our effectiveness.
I am beyond abundantly grateful for the opportunity I have had to pursue the Kingdom of God in discipleship here at CGA in Georgia and am so incredibly grateful for all my supporters who have made these past two and a half months possible. As I am preparing to finish these last two months here and all that the Lord has in store for that, I am still looking for partners to help me reach my fundraising goal with an additional $3,142. If the Lord is prompting you to donate, you can do so by scrolling to the top of the page on my blog and clicking “Donate”. Thank you so much for your support!
*For clarity on what I mean by the Kingdom of God, check out the short video by the Bible Project on Heaven and Earth and the role of Christians in integrating the two.
